Sometimes a T-shirt Is Just a T-shirt - Miss Manners (2024)

This made my blood boil, particularly in today’s climate, as there are so many groups targeted with hateful, inflammatory slogans. I thought about the elderly, the disabled, the minority groups that deal with this sort of thing constantly.

I wish I had been forthright enough to comment in some way that might have made this individual think, but I was too angry to speak in a civil manner, so I simply left. What could I have said?

GENTLE READER: Clearly, this T-shirt was an attempt at humor, arguably even satire. Perhaps it actually meant the opposite of what it said.

That it did not land with you is understandable. Miss Manners does not get it, either. But pointing out insensitivity to someone you already believe to be insensitive seems a waste of time.

For the sake of your own blood pressure, Miss Manners urges you not to take so-called humorous shirts at their literal word. Half the people who sport them have forgotten they are wearing them, anyway. We already have more than enough intended insults on the streets; we need not go looking for more.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 29-year-old, fully independent daughter recently told me that she does not wish to hear negative comments from me: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I am the retired senior director of a large multimillion-dollar firm with two postgraduate degrees. I successfully managed hundreds of employees over the years and undertook extensive, complaint-free personnel management, staff development and mentoring.

I have a forthright personality and am used to speaking my mind directly with family, due to years of having to be politically correct in the office. I raised my daughter to be a strong, successful career woman. I am at a loss now that I must be politically correct all the time.

I know you will probably tell me I am in the wrong, but as I am now in my late 60s, I am tired of having to self-censor. I have done it for so many years and in so many professional and social settings. My daughter was one of my only “filter-free” outlets.

Do I just suck it up, smile, shut my mouth and stop being me? Or do I need to pay a therapist to listen to my invective?

GENTLE READER: Not wanting to be a punching bag for bottled-up negativity, Miss Manners notes, hardly qualifies as censorship.

Perhaps your daughter is so successful because she learned from you how to maintain cordial business relationships. Now she is doing you one better by recognizing that family deserves the same respect, if not -- brace yourself -- even more.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who lived in the same city I lived in for many years. Several years ago, I moved to the other side of the continent, and she now visits me once a year for seven to 10 days.

To my surprise, instead of sleeping in the bed in the guest room, she opts for the thick Persian rug on the floor. I only realized this when I cleaned the guest room upon her departure the first time. The rug smelled of body odor, so rather than launder bed linens (easy), I had to clean the rug to rid the room of the residual odor.

She says nothing to me about her sleeping preferences, but she has done this on every single visit. I don’t know how to address it, or even if I should. I don’t want to embarrass her, but cleaning the rug is time-consuming and creates unnecessary wear on the fibers. (In case you wonder if I’m sure she is sleeping there, she left her door ajar one night and I happened past it.) Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Assuming this is a dear friend you care about, inquire if there is anything amiss with the bed in the guest room -- without being too specific about why you are asking.

This will give her the opportunity to confess that the springs have all sprung, or the mattress is so soft that, once one lies down, it is impossible to get back out without calling fire and rescue.

Such an approach has the downside of being an implicit promise to correct any deficiencies -- and lacks the simplicity of swapping out the rug before her next visit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has been dating his girlfriend for about six months. In many ways, they are compatible and good for each other. I am happy for him.

She is very sociable and has a bubbly personality, but she has the habit of answering any question posed in the room -- even if it is not directed to her. She answers the question before the person being addressed has the chance, and sometimes even interrupts the person asking the question to start answering it.

She is 24 years old, fresh out of college. Can Miss Manners please advise how I can let her know that this is not acceptable behavior? I have tried subtle, gentle hints without much success. I want to avoid awkwardness and bad feelings for my son’s sake.

GENTLE READER: Correcting her manners is not your place, even if she someday becomes your daughter-in-law. But Miss Manners will tell you how to deal with the more limited problem of what to do when she answers a question intended for yourself.

Listen with measured, if not unlimited, patience while she gives her answer. And then give yours. That this will be mildly embarrassing for your son’s girlfriend is regrettable, but if she, or your son, have the courage to point that out, you can innocently explain that the question was directed to you.

Eventually, the new girlfriend will figure it out -- just as, eventually, she will no longer be 24.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whose responsibility is it to empty pockets before pants go in the washer -- the wearer, or the laundry-doer?

I am the primary laundry-doer in my house, but I will generally just wash clothes in the state that they come to me. I don’t turn things right-side out or empty pockets. I have laundered many coins, golf tees and rocks over the years, and generally let them pass without comment. I don’t want to nag, nor do I want to dig through pockets.

The issue comes when a pen or tube of lip balm goes through the wash and ends up leaking all over the rest of the clothes.

Should I ask my husband to be more conscientious about emptying his pockets, or just do it as a part of the laundry chore?

GENTLE READER: Were the rocks unwanted passengers that found themselves in the vicinity of the golf tees? Or is your husband not the only offending household member?

Either way, the responsibility of the person benefiting from your efforts is to demonstrate gratitude by preparing their things according to your rules. Miss Manners assumes a willing compliance -- and that dirty laundry that is suspiciously heavy can be assumed not to be ready for the current load.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, along with another couple, had just been seated in a restaurant. We were reading the menu when a woman and her husband passed our table on their way out. The woman stopped, looked directly at us, and asked rather loudly, “Is someone wearing aftershave?”

I answered, “Well, I’m wearing perfume.” She actually started sniffing the air over my friend’s shoulder and asked, “What is it?” I responded with the name of the perfume.

“Yes!” the woman shouted, and then, “It stinks so much in here, I’m surprised that anybody can smell their food!” With that, she and her husband left.

I have imagined many retorts, like, “Then you must be glad you’re leaving” and “You’re so loud that I’m surprised anybody can hear themselves think.” But I said nothing. One of my friends said something like, “Then good riddance.”

While I do understand that some people dislike perfume, was that the right way to handle the situation? It was embarrassing and caused diners at nearby tables to look at us. Should I just not wear perfume in restaurants?

GENTLE READER: The woman you described has no manners, but she has impeccable timing -- as your friend no doubt realized when their rejoinder was delivered to empty air.

Miss Manners would have punctured this woman’s timing by being a less willing participant to her insult-and-run. The initial inquiry about aftershave was impertinent and, as it was delivered to the whole room, could simply have been ignored. Had she been addressed more directly, Miss Manners would have responded “I beg your pardon?” with some hauteur, then pointedly returned to her menu.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always taken the time to write short notes of condolence when I know the surviving relatives. Are they obligated to acknowledge these notes in any way?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)