Office Entreaties Receive Cold Shoulder From Co-Worker - Dear Abby (2024)

Has workplace culture become so impersonal that people no longer have or employ basic social skills? It costs nothing to say hello or to smile -- it's the least she could do. -- FEELING INVISIBLE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR INVISIBLE: Of course the woman's behavior is rude, and even somewhat hostile. You might ask her if you have offended her in some way and see what kind of reply you receive. I agree that there has been a general decline in basic good manners over the last 10 years. However, one never knows what burdens those we encounter might be carrying. Depression, anger and stress can affect the way we treat others. My advice would be not to take this personally and, because you know she's not open to exchanging social amenities, to stop what you have been doing.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I lost my husband of 20 years. After it happened, I told his younger brother, whom he was closest to, that I was going to write about him. However, some things have stopped me. I lost our dog six months ago and watched her follow a similar path as my late husband, which hurt me deeply. The other reason is, I believe his family may not want to know the truth.

His brother thinks my husband was a great man. He did have good qualities, but he wasn't the saint his brother thinks he was. He was emotionally abusive and he raped me numerous times. He often yelled at our dog for simple things, and he wasn't faithful, either. So -- should I write the story they don't want to hear? -- PEN IN HAND IN TEXAS

DEAR PEN: They say the pen is mightier than the sword. But if you want to continue to interact with these former in-laws, refrain from the temptation to use it to cut their brother down to size.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson's ex-wife is instructing their four children to "be mean" to his new 6-year-old stepdaughter. The children are all under 12. We do not speak to the ex-wife, but what can we do to stop this destructive behavior? -- APPALLED IN GEORGIA

DEAR APPALLED: I am so glad you wrote. Your grandson's former wife is behaving like a vengeful witch. That she would use the children to hurt a blameless child is appalling. You may be able to defuse some of this by sitting the "grands" down and explaining what you expect of them. Tell them that the little girl is not to blame for their parents' divorce, and that you expect them to treat her the way they would like to be treated. Then enforce the rules, as their father should.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Rick," and I broke up 10 years ago and reunited two years ago. I'm in good health, own my own home, and am financially independent. Rick is nine years older. He owns his own home and is retired. We have been seeing each other every week for the last two years. He has spent many hours painting and doing repairs to my house. I cook for him and give him massages, and we have a fantastic sex life.

So, what is the problem? Rick is emotionally involved with another woman. He claims they aren't in any way sexually involved. Should I tell her about his involvement with me? I have her name, address and phone number. Rick refuses to tell her about me because he says it will "upset her." I think she ought to know. What do you think I should do? I love him dearly and don't want to lose him. -- BEING PLAYED IN NEW JERSEY?

DEAR BEING PLAYED?: Listen to your intuition. The first thing you should do (if you haven't) is ask Rick WHY that woman's knowing about you would "upset" her. (Does she think his relationship with her is exclusive?) The second would be to tell him you would like him to introduce the two of you. If he refuses, call her. You deserve to know exactly what's going on, which may be that they are much more involved than he has been admitting.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Chris" and I decided to go on a weekend trip together. The tickets had to be purchased before they sold out. I told Chris I'd put them on my credit card, and Chris agreed to pay me back. Our original plan was to stay with a group of people, but at the last minute, Chris admitted to being upset that we weren't going alone.

Not wanting to upset Chris, I canceled plans with the other group. Chris offered to pay for the food, which I thought was great and would replace some of what was owed me. But when we got to the register, Chris stepped back so I would pay. Almost as soon as we got to the hotel, Chris and Chris' partner got in an argument on the phone and spent most of the trip arguing via text.

The night before we were supposed to leave, Chris and I got into an argument. I lost Chris in a crowd, and when I got back to the hotel, they were packing their bag and leaving. We sat down, talked and agreed tensions were high, but Chris still wanted to end the trip early.

The trip was three months ago. Since then, I have texted Chris multiple times asking to be repaid and have received no response. I thought maybe Chris is mad at me, but they still send me our traditional daily meme. Abby, they offered to pay me back a few times before the trip but never followed through. At this point, I don't know what to do. -- TRIPPING OUT IN INDIANA

DEAR TRIPPING OUT: At this point, you should write off the money you are due from Chris. It should be clear by now that your friend is a flake and has other issues as well.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of 20 years has been homeless for several months. After a short stint of staying in various Airbnbs, she is now mostly living in her car. She has a good-quality, FREE living option available to her. But it would require her to move five hours away, and she doesn't want to leave her job here. Meanwhile, I have a guest room.

Since experiencing homelessness, my friend has stayed with me and my family on three different occasions, each time for about a week. But it's not a sustainable or long-term option. Long story short, we don't want a roommate.

The last time she stayed with us, my friend turned down an affordable living situation with a roommate because the house was too "gross" for her. I found it frustrating. Housing in our area is expensive, and she works part-time at most. Her talk of getting more work has gone nowhere so far.

I know I shouldn't take on her problems as my own. But it's hard to wonder about my friend's safety, where she's showering, charging her phone, keeping her food cold, etc., while my guest bedroom sits empty. Am I wrong not to open up my home to her indefinitely? I feel like she's one car lease payment away from sleeping under a bridge. On the other hand, she has options she's refusing to take. What does a good friend do in this situation? -- FORTUNATE IN OREGON

DEAR FORTUNATE: If one is wise, she lets her friend live the life she has chosen (in her car) without intervening further. As kind as you are, you cannot rescue someone who is unwilling to help herself.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son married and moved across the country to the West Coast. They did this because his wife is very controlling -- her mother lives there and she pressured him into it. They then had three children, who, because we live on the East Coast, we unfortunately rarely see.

My son is now having serious marital issues because his wife and mother-in-law have teamed up against him after his father-in-law died from COVID. He wants to leave his wife and return to his family here, but won't do it because of the kids. He's at his wits' end and doesn't know what to do. Any suggestions? -- SADDENED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SADDENED: Advise your son that he should discuss his problem with an attorney who specializes in family law and a licensed psychotherapist to help him through this difficult period. If he separates from his wife and mother-in-law, he could still be near the kids and involved in their lives without being double-teamed, which should bring him some relief. After you have suggested this, step back and let your son work his way through this. Be supportive from a distance and stay out of the line of fire.